Father
The unintentional father, the unawares father.
Son, you are the miracle of nature, but you were an accident. The result of a drunken teenage triste between ex-Nazi rocket scientists and a horny US defense department that liked dressing up, heading into town, and flashing those greenbacks around. I tell you you’re going to reak havoc on some Japanese some day.
Mother cried. She tried to bring them up good but it looks like it didn’t work. If only they’d had protection. A factory in Holy See puts Catholic dictation into condom packets where latex sins used to be. This one must have had a hole in it.
Ah now listen here; I’m not saying that you were unwanted, I’m just saying that no-one was expecting you.
Such news! Maybe it’s time to take another ticket? This old job is not for me. I’m not cut out for this life of mine.