The whole thing was rearranged so many times it’s mind boggling. I think I will have to write using an online versioning system like subversion or that shared document thing google does, so that the history of changes is kept. It’s so easy in a digital format to loose what would a few years ago be kept in proofs scribbled with notes.

I agree; that line isn’t fab. It originally started as “So we took of our clothes to save them from stain / from the mud and the cum and the dirt”. Which still works, but after changing mud to blood, I found if that second to last line is too long then you tend to zoom pretty fast over the last line. With less syllables in the penultimate line, it really gives strong emphasis and very strong ticking on the BLOOD… and the CUM… and the DIRT.

Personally I found the middle bit not terribly strong, but I guess the last few lines hold the whole thing.

on this one…

first of all let me say, you need to change the penultimate line. it’s lazy and does not flow like the rest. you could make it jut out, but at the moment it just doesnt read well.

now i will tell you what i like and everything that is good about it….

it feels great! it makes me smile, and i’ve read it over and over. you are getting out the emotion you want in these words.

the title - brilliant…juxtaposed white tiles and bleach - good.

- how’s your ego now? -