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Advice

Cover your walls with little white tiles that allow you to clean them with bleach.

—

I think mess can be good. As children we played, and made mudcakes and groped about,
to the reproach of the grown-up responsible people who generally think all things out.

“This love affair’s likely to end in mess - one of us is sure to get hurt.”
So we took off our clothes to keep them from
the blood and the cum and the dirt.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 24th, 2007 at 12:53 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “Advice”

  1. h Says:
    September 25th, 2007 at 2:27 am

    Thanks for your comment - i had a long sweeping counter point, but i think the short one works a hell of a lot better.

    on this one…

    first of all let me say, you need to change the penultimate line. it’s lazy and does not flow like the rest. you could make it jut out, but at the moment it just doesnt read well.

    now i will tell you what i like and everything that is good about it….

    it feels great! it makes me smile, and i’ve read it over and over. you are getting out the emotion you want in these words.

    the title - brilliant…juxtaposed white tiles and bleach - good.

    - how’s your ego now? -

  2. josh Says:
    September 26th, 2007 at 1:09 am

    Hmm thanks. By penultimate line you mean “So we took of our clothes to keep them from”?

    The whole thing was rearranged so many times it’s mind boggling. I think I will have to write using an online versioning system like subversion or that shared document thing google does, so that the history of changes is kept. It’s so easy in a digital format to loose what would a few years ago be kept in proofs scribbled with notes.

    I agree; that line isn’t fab. It originally started as “So we took of our clothes to save them from stain / from the mud and the cum and the dirt”. Which still works, but after changing mud to blood, I found if that second to last line is too long then you tend to zoom pretty fast over the last line. With less syllables in the penultimate line, it really gives strong emphasis and very strong ticking on the BLOOD… and the CUM… and the DIRT.

    Personally I found the middle bit not terribly strong, but I guess the last few lines hold the whole thing.

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